These last few weeks have been challenging. My eldest started school and I had no idea how this would affect me. Not only are you handing over your child to the education system, hoping and praying that they look after him and help him to grow in every way possible….you’re also handling A LOT of stress with the school run. My goodness I had no idea. I thought it was simply the stress of getting there on time. Yes that is stressful. But on top of this you have the stress of trying to make new parent friends/parking without embarrassing yourself somehow or getting in trouble/hoping that the teachers like your child/hoping that he makes new friends…and the list goes on.
We are SO HARD on ourselves as parents. I thought I would document some of the experiences I’ve had in the last few weeks just for a laugh…
Day 1 - Stressed out because I had planned to walk to school with some new mummy friends from a special location but I got stuck in a one-way system so couldn’t turn the car around. Panic stricken I prayed that one of them would check the phone to see that I was stuck and not end up late dropping off their kids on day 1 because of me. Cue story making in my head that they will think I am selfish/that I am only looking out for my own kid and not their needs etc.
Day 2 - I get called out of the queue for a side chat with my boy’s teacher. It turns out that they found a mark behind his shoulder which they were concerned about and the teachers wanted to know what it was. Thankfully I had a very good reason for this mark owing to my boy wrestling with daddy (for fun!) and causing a carpet burn. Cue story making in my head that the teachers have marked us as ones to keep an eye on. Cue extra pressure that I put on myself to ensure we don’t make any mistakes in the next few weeks - brain goes ‘must ensure that I remember to do everything so that they don’t think the worst of us’. Remind myself that atleast I have booked up his lunches for weeks ahead so he won’t go hungry - that would be a worst case scenario.
Day 4 or 5 - I am parking my car with parent friends watching and I catch the car tyre on the side of the pavement. It makes a loud bang so everyone is now watching as I forget mindful breathing and instead freak out telling my husband I have ‘broken the car’ with our boy getting upset in the back and crying loudly. Cue huge embarrassment and guilt for my boy starting school like this and story making in my head that people think I’m a bit useless at driving/perhaps at life in general. Side note - this is a mind trap that we can fall into when we’re anxious - catastrophising the situation from a molehill to a mountain.
Week 2 - I manage to walk on ahead with my boy as he has been a bit quiet on the school run so I want to engage with him more and accidentally leave my toddler behind in the lane which causes a scream from her. Once again, all eyes on my kids and me. Cue me running back and trying to remain calm whilst I’m asked ‘did you leave her behind?’ by a mummy friend with a smile. She wasn’t judging me but my brain decided to make up stories instead that they all think I’m a useless parent even though my kind mummy friends said we’ve all done it. My brain had already decided to beat me up.
Week 2 - End of the week and I get a call from school. My boy hurt himself with a fork - stabbed his gums on his first bite of food and he was so upset and fell asleep on the teacher for ten minutes. ‘Best to come and pick him up earlier’. I turn up and the teacher hands him over in a lovely caring way. I’m asked ‘does he normally react like this?’ Yes he does. He feels pain strongly just like his mummy and man he lets people know (possibly the whole of the hospital knew when I was giving birth). Cue story making in my head that the teachers are now convinced that he is abused at home because he reacts so strongly to pain. Cue panic.
Week 3 - Yesterday at the gate I’m informed by a TA that I forgot to book my child’s lunch but luckily there was a spare one for him. WORST CASE SCENARIO came true. WTF???? I say ‘there must be a mistake, I have booked up his lunches for weeks ahead’. Response from TA is ‘no you didn’t’. No empathy at all such as ‘perhaps you missed a step in the booking’ or ‘other parents have done it before’ or ‘don’t beat yourself up, lets work on how to resolve the problem’…Just a ‘no you didn’t’ with a smile….Cue story making that teachers are now convinced that I neglect my child and parents behind me also think I’m useless.
So much story making. So much self-attack. I have relied on mindful meditation many times when I’ve got home to help me to switch to self-compassion mode and switch off self-attack mode. I still feel stressed just writing this. I will go and meditate again methinks. Had a sob too which also helps. I also managed to get out and about in nature over the weekend which was a real mood booster.
In my experience, getting to the school on time is only a small aspect of the stressful school run. The emotional ups and downs take it to another level. So my advice is to prioritise self care during the first few weeks. Ensure that you have time to rest and cry or scream or all three. Ensure that you keep an eye on that brain of yours that likes to turn on self-attack mode easily. Switch to self-compassion mode as many times as needed. Tools like mindfulness help tremendously during this time but do what works for you. Anything that helps you to release emotions healthily is a good idea. Also, turn towards your friends. The more I tell them how I feel the more I realise that I’m simply indulging in my story making and the stories aren’t real. They don’t think I’m a useless parent, they think I’m human, capable of making mistakes and feeling all sorts of things that parents feel (usually guilt based).