Handling devastating news about a loved one, how mindfulness can help

A few weeks ago I received some heartbreaking news about a friend. I have not felt strong enough to write about this until now. Lets just say the dreaded c word is back in her life and it has spread to other parts of her young 30 something body. When she told me the news I was naturally devastated and overwhelmed with feelings of frustration, anger and helplessness.

My instant reaction was to cry and talk about it with my husband over and over again. The important thing was to let the feelings out and not suppress them. The following day we went on a drive to the beach for some fresh air and a change of scene. On the drive my husband intentionally played sombre music to help me to unearth my feelings. He explained that when he is sad he always allows himself some time to just wallow in his feelings for a while. Sometimes I feel my husband is teaching me mindfulness without even realising it.

I also read something relevant in Jon Kabat-Zinn’s book, ‘Full Catastrophe Living: How to  cope with pain and illness using mindfulness meditation’. He explains that compassion is “…having the wisdom to know its not up to you to fix the world for others…you can acknowledge the pain…you can want to help…but you have to recognise that you can’t change other people’s experience of the world…’. This resonated with me as not only was I sad about the uncertainty of how long I get to share the world with her but I was also on a hamster wheel of thoughts regarding what my friend was going through, how she was dealing with every day, what pain she was experiencing, physically and emotionally. I realised I was shouldering some pain that was not mine to shoulder. I can only do so much for her – I can offer to help in any way I can, I can listen, I can be at the end of a phone call, I can acknowledge the downright hideousness of the situation but I cannot make the c word go away as much as it hurts.

I also realised that I wasn’t being kind to myself. Deep down I was internalising feelings of guilt that my body is healthy right now and that I can spend time with my beautiful son without physical or emotional pain. I only realised this after practising mindfulness – sitting with and exploring my painful thoughts, listening to them and accepting them for what they truly are. So I wasn’t being kind to myself which also isn’t mindful as in order to nourish others you need to nourish yourself. So here I am realising again that mindfulness is a long and never ending journey where you’re constantly learning and growing. I am so thankful to have mindfulness in my life to help me to handle the horrendous bits as well as the wonderful stuff in life’s great journey.

Listening to my heart above all other voices

I just meditated to some healing music, practising mindfulness where I try not to let thoughts run away with me and instead I said to myself ‘listen to your heart’. I noticed straight away that my chest was tight and I could feel pain in my heart. Tears started to come to my eyelids as I let the feelings wash over me. I continued to breathe in and out slowly and deeply from my abdomen whilst maintaining focus on my heart. I said to myself ‘I am listening this time, I am really listening’. I decided not to try and force the pain away, swallowing my feelings and telling myself off for having this strange pain. Instead I went with it. I was not afraid of the pain and I listened, letting it be as it wanted to be whilst maintaining my breathing. Oddly the pain started to dissipate and a feeling of relief came with it. I started to smile as I realised I was actually truly listening to myself. I was listening to my feelings deep down in my core rather than ignoring them or forcing them away. Mindfulness is a truly powerful thing. I know the more often I do this the better. As Marta Kagan says “listen to your heart above all other voices”.

Capturing that 'holiday feeling' every now and then

When I am asked what mindfulness is sometimes I feel there isn't enough time to truly explain how life changing it can be. I think a good way of explaining it is that you capture the ‘holiday feeling’ more often which has got to be a good thing! It’s that moment when you feel your shoulders drop and you let out an unexpected, contented sigh just enjoying life as it is in the present. In a nutshell, you fully LET GO.

When we practice mindfulness we’re not striving to be elsewhere or wanting more stuff or desperate to change our situation. We accept where we are right now. We do the same thing when we’re on holiday. We eat mindfully savouring the taste, we walk mindfully enjoying the walk, we swim mindfully loving the sense of freedom in the sea.

We also let go of time stress. We spend so much of our day limited by time without even realising it. When we’re on holiday we can forget what time it is just like when we’re practising mindfulness.

There are other types of stresses that would normally limit us that we let go of on holiday and in the mindfulness practice – people stress (relationships that cause friction), world stress (less focus on the news on holiday and in the practice of mindfulness), role stress (work is left behind) etc.

We let go of all of this on holiday and in the same token, during the brief stillness and peace of mindfulness we do the same thing. So the next time someone asks me ‘what all this mindfulness stuff is about’  I will use the analogy of achieving that holiday feeling every now and then to start to explain the life changing wonder that is mindfulness.