Present Moment Parenting

People talk about present moment parenting but what does it involve? Simply put, it’s about spending quality time with your child where you are emotionally and mentally present, without a phone in your hand or another task up your sleeve.

I recently had the opportunity for full presence with my eight-year-old son when we had 1 on 1 time away from his sister. We had two hours together and I seized the opportunity to connect with him. He values 1 on 1 time and often seems lighter afterward and less snappy. I asked him what he wanted to do with our time as I looked down at his football card folder and cards spread out over the rug. He was in the middle of a sort-out. He loves taking them out and organising them by team. So I could already see where this was headed. He smiled at me and said, “Well…first can you help me to organise them?” I said yes and we worked as a team. I pulled out a card and named the team and he put it into the right pile. Our system continued and time seemed to fly by. In fact we spend the whole two hours sorting cards!

I had decided that day to dedicate that time to him wholeheartedly. Without putting on a wash or tidying up the kitchen or any other chore calling at me. This was pure time for him and this is how he wanted to spend it. Because I set an intention I didn’t feel any resistance within me. Would I have chosen to spend two hours sorting through football cards in my spare time? No. Do I have a natural interest in football? No. But he does. As Gabor Mate recommends, we need to get in our children’s faces as much as possible to strengthen the parent/child bond. So it is great to get involved in their interests where we can.

Do I do this often? Not as much as I feel I could. It is important to me to smile with him, have a laugh with him, and have fun with him. This is essential for the parent/child bond. So much time can be spent nitpicking because he didn’t pick up his laundry or he snapped at me because I made porridge and not weetabix, forgetting his preference had changed. We need to balance out the everyday boring life nagging with some fun.

So there I was, laughing with him over the amount of cards he has and why do they have to change their kit every season and other questions that showed I really cared. He LOVED it. It is amazing how people shine when you engage in their interests. I loved it too. Is there an activity that your child loves that you can share sometimes? Its worth trying it out because they get such a kick out of your presence. 100% time carved out for them. I highly recommend it.

How can we use social media more mindfully? A guide for teens

I’m currently watching ‘The Social Dilemma’ on Netflix and I highly recommend it. Yes a lot of us say that we spend ‘too much time’ on social media. But we can’t help ourselves can we. It is scary what is going on behind the scenes to keep us addicted to social media. As Tristan Harris, Former Design Ethicist at Google says…

“We are training and conditioning a whole new generation of people…that when we are uncomfortable or lonely or uncertain or afraid, we have a digital pacifier for ourselves that is kind of atrophying our own ability to deal with that.

We know the dopamine hit is big. Big enough to have us checking our phones just to see if something exciting has popped up in the last half hour since we last looked. Big enough to distract us from our true emotions, what is really going on in our bodies. We take these ‘digital pacifiers’ with us wherever we go. Afraid that we will miss something important after a loo trip (some of us even take it with us to the loo - don’t lie!).

So how can we use social media more mindfully?

Here are some tips…

1.Before you check your phone take a moment to pause and breathe. Notice your mood before you begin your scrolling session. Are you feeling a bit ‘meh’ and hoping for a mood boost? Yes the dopamine hit is real but sometimes we find things on social media that can actually bring us down…it could be photos of ‘perfectly’ polished role models we admire, it could be a photo of a friends gathering that excludes you, it could be a conversation on snapchat that you missed out on. There are many ways in which social media can bring us down. It is important to keep tuning into your breathing to remain grounded as you scroll.

2.Notice what your body is up to. Keep an eye on what your body is up to whilst you’re scrolling. Your body is your emotional gauge. It will give you early warning signals if stress is emerging…this could be your tummy flipping, arm pits sweating, shoulders tensing, jaw clenching, clammy hands, headaches and all manner of other signals. If stress is starting to manifest itself in the body try the STOP technique….

S - Stop what you’re doing - put your phone down (for a few minutes)

T - Take a few conscious breaths to ground yourself in the present moment

O - Observe all your thoughts, feelings and body sensations - acknowledge if you feel a bit low/frustrated

P - Proceed mindfully - when you feel like you have acknowledged everything that is happening in your body you are ready to return to the activity

3. Before posting something try pausing first. Tune into your breathing wherever you feel it most naturally…it could be in the tummy as it rises and falls or in the chest as your ribcage expands and contracts or in the nostrils. Just tune into it for a few breaths to ground yourself. Now consider what you’re hoping to gain from the post…a certain number of likes or positive emojis? Ask yourself how many likes or positive emojis will be enough to feel validated? The answer is it never feels like enough. Its not long before you’re reaching for your phone again for another dopamine hit. You get caught in this cycle of posting and checking, posting and checking etc. etc. If you decide to post something take a breath and consider going off to do something else for a while. Yes you posted for a virtual response but you don’t have to cling to your phone every second of the day waiting for it. If you go off and do something else (ideally something good for you like exercise, a bath or a healthy hobby) then you can check it later in a more grounded state with less anticipation or expectation attached to it. This can lessen the mood dip which may well come your way if you don’t achieve as much validation as you may have hoped.

4. Remember context - sometimes other people are busy looking at other things. And just because your post hasn’t achieved much attention doesn’t mean it isn’t good enough. And it definitely doesn’t mean you’re not good enough. Resting your self-esteem on every like is a recipe for disaster…you’re setting yourself up for a fall. Try not to place too much weight on the response to your post.

5. Remember that you can create boundaries whenever you want to. You have the choice to unfollow anyone at any time. Don’t waste time following someone who brings you down. Some people like to come across as being playful or just ‘bantering’. Some don’t always realise quite how much they have hurt others, some are fully aware and are intentionally hurtful owing to frustration in their own lives. Just remember that you can choose to unfollow. You have a right to set boundaries just like anyone else.

6. Give yourself some screen free time before bed. I know, I sound like a parent but numerous studies have confirmed that screen time before bed can play havoc with your sleep patterns. The more shut eye you get the easier it will be to face school tomorrow.

Handling the stressful school run - driving errors, teacher calling me out of the queue for a side chat, forgetting my second child...

These last few weeks have been challenging. My eldest started school and I had no idea how this would affect me. Not only are you handing over your child to the education system, hoping and praying that they look after him and help him to grow in every way possible….you’re also handling A LOT of stress with the school run. My goodness I had no idea. I thought it was simply the stress of getting there on time. Yes that is stressful. But on top of this you have the stress of trying to make new parent friends/parking without embarrassing yourself somehow or getting in trouble/hoping that the teachers like your child/hoping that he makes new friends…and the list goes on.

We are SO HARD on ourselves as parents. I thought I would document some of the experiences I’ve had in the last few weeks just for a laugh…

1. Day 1 - Stressed out because I had planned to walk to school with some new mummy friends from a special location but I got stuck in a one-way system so couldn’t turn the car around. Panic stricken I prayed that one of them would check the phone to see that I was stuck and not end up late dropping off their kids on day 1 because of me. Cue story making in my head that they will think I am selfish/that I am only looking out for my own kid and not their needs etc.

2. Day 2 - I get called out of the queue for a side chat with my boy’s teacher. It turns out that they found a mark behind his shoulder which they were concerned about and the teachers wanted to know what it was. Thankfully I had a very good reason for this mark owing to my boy wrestling with daddy (for fun!) and causing a carpet burn. Cue story making in my head that the teachers have marked us as ones to keep an eye on. Cue extra pressure that I put on myself to ensure we don’t make any mistakes in the next few weeks - brain goes ‘must ensure that I remember to do everything so that they don’t think the worst of us’. Remind myself that atleast I have booked up his lunches for weeks ahead so he won’t go hungry - that would be a worst case scenario.

3. Day 4 or 5 - I am parking my car with parent friends watching and I catch the car tyre on the side of the pavement. It makes a loud bang so everyone is now watching as I forget mindful breathing and instead freak out telling my husband I have ‘broken the car’ with our boy getting upset in the back and crying loudly. Cue huge embarrassment and guilt for my boy starting school like this and story making in my head that people think I’m a bit useless at driving/perhaps at life in general. Side note - this is a mind trap that we can fall into when we’re anxious - catastrophising the situation from a molehill to a mountain.

4. Week 2 - I manage to walk on ahead with my boy as he has been a bit quiet on the school run so I want to engage with him more and accidentally leave my toddler behind in the lane which causes a scream from her. Once again, all eyes on my kids and me. Cue me running back and trying to remain calm whilst I’m asked ‘did you leave her behind?’ by a mummy friend with a smile. She wasn’t judging me but my brain decided to make up stories instead that they all think I’m a useless parent even though my kind mummy friends said we’ve all done it. My brain had already decided to beat me up.

5. Week 2 - End of the week and I get a call from school. My boy hurt himself with a fork - stabbed his gums on his first bite of food and he was so upset and fell asleep on the teacher for ten minutes. ‘Best to come and pick him up earlier’. I turn up and the teacher hands him over in a lovely caring way. I’m asked ‘does he normally react like this?’ Yes he does. He feels pain strongly just like his mummy and man he lets people know (possibly the whole of the hospital knew when I was giving birth). Cue story making in my head that the teachers are now convinced that he is abused at home because he reacts so strongly to pain. Cue panic.

6. Week 3 - Yesterday at the gate I’m informed by a TA that I forgot to book my child’s lunch but luckily there was a spare one for him. WORST CASE SCENARIO came true. WTF???? I say ‘there must be a mistake, I have booked up his lunches for weeks ahead’. Response from TA is ‘no you didn’t’. No empathy at all such as ‘perhaps you missed a step in the booking’ or ‘other parents have done it before’ or ‘don’t beat yourself up, lets work on how to resolve the problem’…Just a ‘no you didn’t’ with a smile….Cue story making that teachers are now convinced that I neglect my child and parents behind me also think I’m useless.

So much story making. So much self-attack. I have relied on mindful meditation many times when I’ve got home to help me to switch to self-compassion mode and switch off self-attack mode. I still feel stressed just writing this. I will go and meditate again methinks. Had a sob too which also helps. I also managed to get out and about in nature over the weekend which was a real mood booster.

In my experience, getting to the school on time is only a small aspect of the stressful school run. The emotional ups and downs take it to another level. So my advice is to prioritise self care during the first few weeks. Ensure that you have time to rest and cry or scream or all three. Ensure that you keep an eye on that brain of yours that likes to turn on self-attack mode easily. Switch to self-compassion mode as many times as needed. Tools like mindfulness help tremendously during this time but do what works for you. Anything that helps you to release emotions healthily is a good idea. Also, turn towards your friends. The more I tell them how I feel the more I realise that I’m simply indulging in my story making and the stories aren’t real. They don’t think I’m a useless parent, they think I’m human, capable of making mistakes and feeling all sorts of things that parents feel (usually guilt based).