Diary entries from a 14 year old girl…
Tuesday 9th Dec – Lara has blanked me today. I ask her what’s wrong and she always says ‘nothing’. I get really frustrated with her. I don’t have a clue what’s the matter with her. She tries to prove that she is happier with others by always laughing with them.
Wednesday 10th Dec – Lara has still blanked me today. It was the school parties today. Did no work. What fun. What a relief. In the Talent Contest I did Barbie Girl with others. It was great fun.
Thursday 11th Dec – Lara was really chummy with Claire all day long. I found out that she is worried that Lucy is taking me away from her and that she will split us up. Luckily, at the end of the evening after the Carol Service, we made up.
How can it feel when your friends ignore you? You may feel lonely. You may feel vulnerable. You may start to make up stories that everyone is talking about you or laughing at you behind your back. You may make up stories to explain their behaviour, assuming that you have done something wrong. As teenagers you are hard wired to be part of the tribe, this is the stage you’re at in your brain development so you can’t help it, it is biology after all. So when you feel out of sync with friends it can feel as if a dark cloud has fallen over all aspects of your life. You can end up feeling imbalanced and up in the air, unstable and very alone. You certainly don’t feel grounded or centred when friendships are rocky.
We’ve all heard of FOMO but I also think there is something in FOBLO – Fear of Being Left Out. What I mean by this is being left out from social invitations in the first place. My 37 year old friend can still recall the ‘devastating’ moment when she was walking into town with her mum and spotted her teenage friendship group out shopping without her. They had decided to exclude her from the trip. It was unlucky that she saw them as often back then we wouldn’t always know if friends were catching up without us. Nowadays things are the opposite. The over sharing nature of social media means that we see pretty much everything that goes on. You could easily spot a post from a night out that you had no clue about. There is one thing missing out on events because of a valid reason such as homework, strict parents or a cold but it is far more hurtful if you haven’t even been invited in the first place. When you have been left out entirely. This can create all sorts of stories in your head as to why you weren’t invited. Was it because I was too friendly with that girl she liked? Was it because I laughed at that teacher’s joke when the others didn’t find it funny? Was it because I didn’t join in when they were picking on that girl at lunch? And the list goes on and on…Then the stories can build and build in your head as you start to convince yourself that they’re real.
Mindfulness can help you to notice when your mind is racing, when it is indulging in overthinking, when it is playing out the rumour mill in your head. The more you practice meditating, the more you become aware of how your mind behaves. You become an observer of your thoughts. And when you observe you are able to catch yourself when you’re overthinking. You can then choose to acknowledge what is happening in your mind by labelling it. In this particular scenario you could label your overthinking as ‘worrying’ or ‘analysing’ to acknowledge what your mind is up to. Then you can use your breath to anchor you back in the present moment. For if you’re caught up in the rumour mill, indulging in a story you have created in your head, you are not living in the present moment. You are in a trance like state flitting between the future and the past, replaying scenarios in your head and trying to find answers to your predicament.
Instead, how about trying to focus more on the present moment, on reality, on the here and now. You can do this by focusing on your breathing. How about trying it right now? Just close your eyes and pay attention to your body breathing for a few minutes. Tuning into how it feels in your body as you breathe in…..and out. Noticing where you feel it most naturally in your body… this could be in your tummy as it rises on each in breath and falls on each outbreath. Or perhaps you feel it more in the chest area noticing how it feels as your ribcage expands on each in breath and contracts on each outbreath. Or maybe you feel it more in the nostrils as you notice the breath flowing in and out, perhaps even hearing it a little. Tuning into how the breath feels in the body allows you to anchor yourself in the present moment. When you truly focus on feelings and sensations happening internally you won’t be stuck in the future or replaying the past, you will be truly in the present moment.
Guiding yourself back to the present moment using your breathing is the foundation of mindfulness. You can do this time and time again as your mind attempts to drag you back into the rumour mill. For when we’re making up stories we become lost in a trance of thinking. We have stepped out of reality and instead, it’s like we’re playing a film in our heads. Have you ever imagined an argument before? I have. Many times! I have played an argument over and over in my head….if she said this then I would say that then she would say this and blah blah blah. Has this ever helped me? No. Have I ever had an argument like that in real life? No. Was I merely in a trance? Yes. Mindfulness helps us to notice more when we’re caught in a trance/story telling/rumour mill and anchors us back in the present time and time again.
Taking things personally
Mindfulness can also help us to notice when we’re taking things personally. As we become the observer of our thoughts we are able to see the bigger picture more often, to understand what is really going on rather than the story we’re telling ourselves in our heads. For example, you notice a friend on the walk into school, you wave at her and she sees you but she doesn’t wave back. You feel hurt and embarrassed. Judgemental thoughts and stories start to creep into your head… ‘How rude….She doesn’t like me anymore…Does she think she is better than me?’ etc. You see her in class later in the day and you start acting differently with her. She notices this and acts differently with you. This misinterpretation can sometimes go on for days or even weeks!
The reality is you didn’t know the context behind her behaviour, the circumstances that led her to ignore you that morning. She was dealing with some devastating news about a family member, preoccupied with her own thoughts and feelings. She wasn’t fully paying attention to what was going on around her. Had you known this you would have empathised with her situation and not taken things personally. This can happen a lot in life where we play out stories in our heads to try and explain other people’s behaviour when the real reason may be entirely different.
Here is how mindfulness can help us in this example scenario…You notice a friend on your way into school, you wave at her, she sees you but doesn’t wave back. You feel hurt and embarrassed. Judgemental thoughts and stories pop into your head… ‘How rude…She doesn’t like me anymore…Does she think she is better than me?’
This is the point where mindfulness can intervene. If you have been practising mindfulness regularly your brain will start to notice more quickly when you’re about to get caught up in a rumour mill. You pause. You take a conscious breath. You label what your mind is up to, saying to yourself ‘here is judging’. You pause again and take another conscious breath, gathering yourself and perhaps acknowledging any emotions that have surfaced such as ‘embarrassment’ or ‘sadness’. You say to yourself ‘maybe she is dealing with something…I hope she is ok’. When you see your friend in class later in the day you notice that she has tears in her eyes. You give her a hug and listen to her suffering.
When we’re caught up in taking things personally we struggle to find perspective. We struggle to see what is really going on as we’re stuck in victim mode. Mindfulness helps us to view a situation differently with the eyes of an observer rather than a victim. We learn that sometimes when people act differently with us it may not be personal, something else may be going on in their lives that is causing them pain or discomfort.
Judgement
When we practice mindfulness our intention is to cultivate awareness non-judgementally. People often say to me that they struggle with this aspect of mindfulness. Let’s be realistic, we can all judge from time to time. It is unlikely that you will walk through life without making some form of judgement every now and then. The key with mindfulness is to notice when you’re judging and be kinder to yourself about it.
When you judge yourself for judging you are caught in a loop of self-judgement. I have been caught up in this loop many times in the past! When we do this to ourselves we are not being compassionate towards ourselves, we are in fact abusing ourselves internally. Our inner voice is saying to us over and over ‘why am I judging? Stop judging! I always judge!’ or ‘Why can’t I just have kind thoughts about people all the time?’ (This is unrealistic – we can all have ugly thoughts from time to time).
So the next time you start judging yourself for judging how about trying some mindful self-compassion instead? Rather than attacking yourself remember to label the judging as ‘judging’ in order to acknowledge what you’re doing. If you try to deny what you’re up to it won’t help you in the long run. As I say, we can all judge from time to time. Then take a conscious breath and if necessary, use kind words towards yourself such as ‘its ok, you are human, we can all judge from time to time.’
The more you practice mindfulness the more you will understand yourself better. You may even find that as you pause and tune into your breathing the real emotion comes up to the surface which was masked as judgement. Use the words I use above and if needs be, also place a hand on your heart to soothe yourself. Perhaps the feeling you really need to address is guilt at your initial judgement. There is no need to continue to feel guilty, after acknowledging the feeling make sure you are kind enough to yourself, give yourself some slack for being a human being and move onto the next moment in your day.