We all know the feeling when we’ve been truly listened to. It’s as if the load has lifted a little as our feelings and thoughts have been acknowledged and understood. Yet, as parents we can sometimes struggle to fully listen to our children. This is not intentional, it could be because we have an inbuilt urge to save our children from discomfort and pain so we may jump in too quickly with a solution before hearing them out. Or we may feel too triggered by what they’re saying so we unconsciously rush through the conversation to try and end it as quickly as possible. Or it may be a symptom of our busy lives, juggling what feels like endless tasks, or extreme tiredness just when they decide to open up at 11pm at night. So how can we improve our listening skills when our adolescent children decide to open up to us? Here are some tips…

Ensure your phone is out of sight so you won’t be distracted. If you have it by your side it could go off at any moment. Even a vibration can send signals to your child that you’re not fully paying attention.
Ensure you’re mindfully ready by taking a few conscious breaths. Paying attention to how it feels in your tummy, chest area or nostrils as you breathe in and breathe out. This will ground you in the here and now, letting go of other tasks so your full attention is on your child.
Consider your body language. Most experts agree that 70-93 percent of all communication is nonverbal. So ensure your body language is open with uncrossed arms, good eye contact, and an awareness of your facial expressions. As an expressive person, I tend to give away how I feel with a subtle raised eyebrow. This has got me into sticky territory before!
Try not to interrupt. You may have the urge to step in and offer advice as soon as you can. This is of course, natural as a parent. Leaving a bit more space for your child to open up can lead to a greater depth of understanding. To remain present, drop into your breath again to anchor you and maintain your focus on what is being said. This is about waiting for the moment when they may ask for your advice rather than jumping in too early without hearing them out fully. There may be a nugget of information they disclose that could really help to understand their point of view.
Remember just being there and listening holds the most power. So pat yourself on the back for that alone. Validation also goes a long way as it shows that you’ve deeply listened. For example, saying something like “From what you’ve said, I heard…which makes you feel…have I got this right?” This provides an opportunity for greater clarity if needed and it can be soothing for the child to feel heard.
If you feel like your child has held back and there is more to say, here are other questions you could ask to help them to open up more…“That sounds tough, tell me more. And how does that make you feel? And what story are you telling yourself?”
After they’ve disclosed everything, it is tempting to jump right in with a solution and save your child from discomfort. Of course, we as parents are built this way. Again, use your breath to ground you and calm the urge to helicopter parent. Remember, no-one likes to feel controlled, criticised, or lectured. It is our child’s job to solve their own issues, not ours. We guide them and this is a very important role for us. We can help them to arrive at a solution. Here are some useful phrases, “How do you feel about that choice? How could you have responded differently? How can I support you with this?” These phrases are empowering for your child. If they come up with the solution themselves, it boosts their resilience and it’s also more likely that they will go along with the decision rather than feeling forced. It can also boost their confidence and self-esteem, leading to more can-do attitude to life.

For more tips and ideas, I run parent workshops and parent/child workshops online and in person. Contact me via bathmindfulness@gmail.com to learn more.