As parents, how we behave when our kids are distressed matters. It sets the tone for their emotional capacity. After all, children can only exist within the capacity of their parents’ nervous system. It can be challenging but we need to be less scared of reality than they are. Remaining solid and grounded regardless of what is thrown at us. The unwavering mountain, lighthouse parent or whatever else we want to call it. How can we remain calm and centered throughout our children’s adolescence and beyond? Here are ten tips that may help…
1. Fill your cup. You can’t nurture others without nurturing yourself first. As they say, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Ask yourself, what helps you to release stress? Are you carving out enough time for this? It could be exercise, a mindful walk in nature, dancing, singing, a yoga class, Qi Gong, Sound baths, mindful knitting etc. Are you making enough space for this in your life? If not, set an intention to dedicate more time to the activities that uplift you. Setting time for you can help to boost your resilience. When we are stressed (and parenting can often be stressful) the body feels under threat. We need to find ways to tell the body everything is ok, resetting it to equilibrium. Topping up our resilience fuel tanks regularly so we can handle more tuts, eye rolls, and whatever else comes our way.
2. Role-model emotional regulation by responding rather than reacting. Are you responding calmly to your child even when they push all your buttons or are you often reacting to your child’s reactions? It is hard to stay calm when it feels like they are showing you little respect. I have been at the receiving end of many spikey comments already and my son is only eight. Can you try connecting with your breath in these moments? Conscious breathing can anchor you in the present moment, calming the nervous system and allowing you to see things more clearly. Breathing through the rudeness to retain balance and a measured perspective. I often walk into another room when I’m overstimulated to connect with the breath and role model how to navigate strong emotions. Conscious breathing involves paying attention to how the breath feels in your body, which could be in the tummy, chest, or nostrils. The idea is to shine a light on it for a few breaths and lean into the sensations as they arise. This helps to ignite the parasympathetic nervous system (the rest and digest system) signalling to the body that everything is ok. This doesn’t imply that I tolerate a lack of respect. I still maintain boundaries and clarify when they have crossed the line. I just try to do it from a place of calm, strength and balance.
3. Become more self-aware. If you want to understand your child’s pain you need to become aware of your own first. Whilst we all know that children’s behaviour can occasionally rattle us, we need to ask ourselves are there times when we’re being triggered by old pain? It could be something your child said or did…how is it making you feel? Can you create space to sit with it? Turning towards the discomfort and understanding what the root cause of your suffering is. After all, you have been shaped by your own upbringing and the last thing you want to do is project any negative experiences onto your child. Parenting shines a light on anything that needs to be healed within you. Perhaps you’re triggered because no-one is listening to your requests and growing up you often felt ignored. Or perhaps you’re projecting your own fears onto your child based on a traumatic experience from your childhood. You may unknowingly be making up stories in your head based on these experiences. Turning inward allows us to grow as we become more self-aware, identifying where we may be holding ourselves and our children back. We create space to lean inwards and ask ourselves, what is making me feel unsafe? Why do I feel this way? Approaching ourselves with kindness rather than the narrative, there is something wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with you, you are carrying the weight of conditioning on your shoulders and it’s time to look inward and start healing.
4. Choose self-compassion and self-kindness. While we often heap love onto our children, we need to remember that we also deserve love, compassion, and kindness. If your child is taking out their frustrations on you (whether your behaviour is to blame or not - often in the teenage years it has nothing to do with you but you are the target) it is important to spend time letting out any upset. Allowing space to cry and/or meditate so that you’re acknowledging the pain and in turn, setting it free. This stops you from holding onto it and potentially building resentment or unconsciously firing it back at them later.
5. Try connection over correction. It can be easy to get caught in a cycle of nit-picking our children’s behaviour. When we frequently focus on the negative we can forget to make time for the positive. Reflect for a moment on the balance of criticism versus encouragement in your household. If your child only receives criticism or rarely receives positive feedback it could affect their self-esteem. After all, as they say, how we talk to our children becomes their inner voice. So it is essential that we find moments to boost them up. This could be as simple as telling them how much you love them or how proud you are of them. And praising their progress when you see behavioural changes, even if it’s baby steps. For example, perhaps they’ve taken a moment to regulate themselves instead of habitually jumping down your throat or they’ve taken the rubbish out without a reminder. If we encourage the positive with more compliments than criticism we can boost their confidence and self-worth and it may even lead to repeat behaviour (don’t quote me on that!).
6. Choose present moment parenting whenever possible. This involves spending quality time with your child where you are emotionally and mentally present, without a phone in your hand or another task up your sleeve. A good question to ask yourself is how much time do you spend having fun with your child? I mean in the present moment smiling or laughing with them? It can be tricky when they get older to pin them down with all the hobbies, gatherings and other distractions. Yet it is essential that we make time for this.
7. Set boundaries and stick to them. “A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect” Anonymous. Step into your power. That fierce inner strength within. Build up a deep self-assurance that doesn’t waver. It can be useful to learn more about assertiveness skills so that you don’t fall into the trap of aggression/passive aggression/or passive communication styles. If we feel under attack our demeanour can inflate, our voices can rise, and we start making more demands through gritted teeth. We apply greater force. Which can lead to greater counter will from your child. Reactions leading to reactions. It can affect the relationship over time. We need to find another way to communicate our needs assertively. Which in turn role models this for our children. This takes practice and patience!
8. Role model an apology. If/when we react rather than respond it is important that once we’re calm we acknowledge this and apologise. This is another opportunity for role modelling. We’re all humans after all, and an apology shows your child that we all make mistakes and we can own those mistakes and take learnings for next time.
9. Forgive quickly. This can be hard as teenagers can really go for the jugular at times. It can be tempting to hold grudges when they’ve really hurt you. However, holding onto insults for too long keeps you stuck in disconnection and doesn’t role model forgiveness. Instead, try practising a self-compassion meditation to release the pain, understanding that often the pain fired at you isn’t personal.
10. Continue to show unconditional love and acceptance that only a parent can truly offer. Friendships can often be conditional during the teenage years. Even friendships that appear to be bound for life can fall apart. A friend can easily get distracted by a new group owing to the overarching teenage brain’s desire for social acceptance. So create a safe space of unconditional love and acceptance for your child. Making room for your child to truly be themselves with you. At school and around their friends they will often put on masks to protect themselves from hurt or discomfort. You can provide the safe space for your child where they can let down their guard and be as goofy as they like.
11. Mindful listening. How are your listening skills? Would you say you can deeply listen to your child? If not, this is an important skill to develop. To strengthen relationships your child needs to feel deeply known and understood. Check out Chapter 13 of my book, Resilient Teen to learn about listening skills. https://shorturl.at/cmuDF